10 Practical Tips for Young Dudes Who Want to Date Right

A couple of weeks ago our student ministry wrapped up a series called "With."  We focused on relationships--our relationship first to God, then friendships, and then, of course, dating.  Following our discussion on dating, our student minister, Joey Wilson, wisely broke the group up according to gender following a corporate gathering for singing and sermon, with set discussion questions for each group.  Joey then asked for dating advice that some of the males might share with one another.  Our first and only reply from a teenager was this:

Joey then asked how many of the gentlemen in the room had girlfriends.  In a group of about 15 to 20 males, only one hand went up.  Go figure.

It appeared to me that there was a wisdom deficit on dating.  I tried to loosen the group up by saying, "Don't go to a Mexican food restaurant on the first date," a mistake I've made too many times.

So here are ten practical tips for young dudes to date right.

1. Open doors.  Car doors, doors to the restaurant or coffee shop, any door you can hold and let your date precede you is a simple act of politeness.  Let her go first.  This communicates you think your date is important.
2. Ask questions.  When you make conversation, try your best to keep the focus on her.  You didn't take her out so that you could tell her how great you are or how stupid your friends are.  You are on this date because you think this person might become a good friend or committed companion.  Ask about music, movies, favorite places to hang out, favorite family vacations, favorite childhood memories, worst classes or subjects, best classes or subjects.  And if you have trouble coming up with questions, WRITE A FEW OUT BEFORE YOU GO OUT ON THE DATE SO YOU WON'T FREEZE UP AND LOOK AWKWARD.  Just don't bring a cheat sheet.  Then you'll look awkward anyway.
3. Notice something about your date you think is nice.  For example, her shoes, her dress, her earings, her necklace, her eyes, her hair, the way she smells.  Now is not the time to make comments about certain physical attributes you find attractive.  Keep those remarks to yourself.
4. Pay.  Do not ask a girl out on a date and expect it to be a Dutch treat.  Offer to pay.  Quit playing video games, find a job, and use some of your hard earned cash to create a memorable experience for a lady who is worth it.
5. Plan the evening.  When you pick up your date, you shouldn't ask, "So, what do you want to do?"  In a phone conversation or via text, you may want to ask, "Do you have a favorite restaurant," or "what do you like to do for fun?"  This may give you some clues on how to formulate your plan, but when it is time to go out, you should have something in mind.
6. Be selective.  There may be a girl right now who is totally in to you.  She flirts, she makes conversation with you, she finds ways to spend time with you--but you just don't feel the same way.  If this is true, don't ask her out on a date because you feel pressure.  Wait for the right girl to come along--someone who meets your standards.  You might want to think about these ahead of time.  What are you looking for in a woman?
7. If this relationship becomes steady or serious, buy her a gift.  That is right.  Spend some cash on a necklace, a ring, a stuffed animal, a coffee tumbler with pictures of the two of you inside, tickets to a concert or special event, or something you have discovered she likes.  Ask a woman you trust (maybe your mom) for some guidance, or even make a phone call to your girl's mom when you know she isn't around, and ask for some help.
8. Buy flowers. Cheesy?  Maybe it sounds that way.  But buying flowers--even a small seasonal bouquet from a grocery store florist--can impress.  This simple act means that you are thinking of your lady when she isn't around, and she'll likely keep the flowers at home, as a reminder of you.
9. Write notes. Handwritten is great--even if your penmanship is horrible.  But text messages, Facebook wall posts, Twitter mentions, emails, etc. can be a nice touch.  Notes take time, and you can also express your feelings in writing in a way that transcends the spoken word.  Consider your words carefully--remember, whatever you write is a record of that moment.
10. Remember important dates.  I am not a "dates" person.  But I know my anniversary and my wife's birthday are important.  If you keep a calendar, make a note of first dates and other "firsts" and remind your girl of those times.

Those are some simple helps.  If the dudes in our youth group read these, they might be one step ahead of where they were a few weeks ago.

Or ten steps ahead.

Omaha Zoo Adventures

For a little context, all footage was shot last week at the Omaha Zoo on our youth mission trip.

From the Mission Field to the Mission Field :: Six Practices Undertaken on Youth Mission Trip

This past week Rezlife West spent time serving in the city of Omaha, Nebraska.  Below are six practices we collectively engaged throughout our week in service, and a few of the lessons I learned.

1. Hard Work

Foremost among the practices our group undertook was that of hard work.  Roll up your sleeves, wipe your brow, hand to the plow work.  We did not twiddle our thumbs, sing Kumbaya, and quote Harry Potter trivia.  We worked.  And when you come from families that primarily engage in knowledge work and white collar professions, cutting grass, reworking landscape, scraping and painting decks, replacing carpet tile, moving brush, weeding gardens, picking up trash, stocking shelves, and more is foreign.  One of our students had never operated a lawn mower before this past week.  He is entering high school.

While hard work in and of itself is instructive and valuable (work ethics are developed, rather than naturally assumed), throughout our week our group strove to discuss the philosophy or outlook that undergirded the work itself, so that our actions might take on a broader and more profound meaning that can be both felt and understood.  For example, Abide Ministries Network exemplified the incarnation by moving into a violent neighborhood, actively loving their neighbors, cleaning up properties, throwing block parties, and mowing the grass.  Abide also provided educational programs for children that helped improve basic reading and math skills, as well as acquainting students with some of the basic key narratives of the Bible.  Abide put flesh on the good news of and about Jesus Christ, making a profound difference in the lives of their neighbors and in their city.  Rather than confining Christian discipleship to the realm of abstract ideas, this ministry had undertaken meaningful action that had concretized the concepts and ideas Christians espouse.  This is called truthful, holistic, gospel ministry.  Expounding a theology of the kingdom and the cross helped us to engage in a more complete ministry experience.

2. Theological Conversations

My favorite part about any experience is the conversations.  I enjoy talking about life and witness and philosophical and theological ideas.  I like to discuss good books and favorite vacations and outstanding music.  I like to hear stories.

Thus, it is no surprise that I had numerous opportunities to discuss theology with students and adults alike.  Most enjoyable was a discussion of baptism--its meaning and significance.  Students asked if baptism was required for one to be saved.  They asked the relationship between baptism, church membership, and obedience.  They asked questions concerning the logic of both infant and believer's baptism, and were curious where I stood.  This converstion led in many different directions, including distinctions between denominations, understandings of theological method, reasonable approaches to Bible study, and more.  I was delighted, and though we were far beyond a reasonable hour for bed, I was so energized by the topic of discussion, and the thirst for biblical and theological knowledge among our young, that I would have continued talking even beyond what we enjoyed.  It was that good.

3. Cross Cultural Ministry

Omaha, Nebraska is quite different from Kansas City suburban life, particularly in the communities where we were embedded.  Our group was 98% white, partnering with urban outreach ministries that largely serve African-American and Hispanic populations, thus providing a different, yet formative experience for our teenagers with regard to culture, privilege, economic status, family systems, ambitions and hopes, education, and other concerns.

On Tuesday evening, our youth group joined with Bridge Church for their midweek gathering.  The music was hip hop, the experience was prayer driven, the message was given by an ex-con turned prison chaplain.  This was nothing like our typical week.  Our students joined prayer circles in which the requests raised included comfort for family members who had experienced gunshot wounds, and it was noted that such a concern makes our petitions for better grades and less stress seem trivial.  Others heard leaders describe recent trips the church had taken to Mexico to serve and share the gospel.  For the one telling the tale, this had been his only time away from home.  Our students have travelled the world on family vacations, and interstate adventures are common.

For a bunch of suburban white kids, it was good to experience "Race to Race; Face to Face".  We prayed for one another, served one another, and learned from one another.

4. Relational Ministry

Last week I teamed up with another adult leader to be responsible for nine teenagers, seven of whom I knew very little.  By the end of the week, I had learned more about each person--their interests, their ambitions, the way they responded under pressure, their personality, and their work ethic.  Much of what I learned did not take place face to face, but rather side by side, working on a common project and moving toward a common goal.

One of my goals in youth ministry has always been to establish a safe space for inquiry, for conversation, for mistakes, and for growth.  With the help of Linda Peterson, I believe that our group created just such a space.  I'm confident that the students in my group know that they now have peers and adults they can turn to for guidance and wisdom on their spiritual journeys.

5. Contemplation

Each day our group spent time reflecting on our experiences.  Thus, in the midst of business and activity, there was also time for contemplation.  In student ministry (or any ministry), a key objective is training people to see.  We challenge our students to identify where God is at work, what elements of our work and experience align with God's will as it has been revealed in the Bible and understood through solid theological reflection, and how these perceptions can serve to shape our souls so that we might be more like Jesus, and thus exhibit greater faithfulness to him in our world.  This goes beyond the surface and directly to the heart.  We did this very effectively through our large group meetings, but in the future I plan to work harder to also facilitate these discussion in our small group settings, so that voices and experiences do not get lost, and greater intimacy is built within the confines of our ministry teams.

6. Fun

Fun is last on the list, not because our community is dominated by killjoys, but because the brand of fun we experienced was of a different kind.  Monday afternoon we spent time at the Omaha Zoo.  We visited Table Grace Cafe one day for lunch.  We played Signs and the Look-Up Game and Human Knot and Yellow Car.  We wrote memorable quotes on our lunch bags.  We developed inside jokes and preserved witticisms.  Fun is part of the package, both in the laughter and in the doing of good.

All in all we experienced an excellent week.  I was blessed by our students, and I hope our students were formed so that they might evidence greater faithfulness to Christ.

Mission :: Omaha, NE

I'm off this week to the city of Omaha, Nebraska to serve as a leader with Rezlife West*.  This will be my second trip with our students.  Two summers ago I traveled with our group to Cedar Rapids, Iowa to take part in some flood relief work.  Who knows?  Maybe Joey Wilson will tweet about this year's trip here or here.

Please pray for our group as we travel and as we carry out our tasks for the week.  Including our leaders, we have more than forty people as part of our team.  That's tremendous.  This event has been a catalyst for transformation and a touchstone in the lives of many our students, and has always served to inspire deeper friendships and a greater love for God.

If you will pray for us, of if you have a special word for our students, please leave a note in the comments.  I'll share your message with the group.

Blessings!

*Olathe?  Whatever.

Nu Thang

HT: Joey Wilson

Common Language, Common Faith

This isn't a youth ministry blog, per se, but over the years I have had the bulk of my ministry experiences within the crucible of children and youth ministries, working diligently to teach, exhort, rebuke, correct, and train children in the way of Jesus as revealed in the Bible.  The work has always been tough, and also fun.  It has been fun to be around the young, listening to their questions, playing their games, reading together and striving to understand the Scripture and what God might be saying.  I've never felt called specifically to youth or children's ministry, but I have been incredibly blessed as I have pursued my calling among youth and children.  I don't think you have to be called to those areas to be engaged in ministry in those areas; oftentimes our dismissals of these opportunities to be around children and youth have much more to do with our insecurities and our preferences than they do our abilities and our proclivities for guiding others in the way of the Kingdom.  Many of my greatest insights have come in conversation with a teenager or a two year old.  I've received more grace from the young than from any other segment of the church.

Over the years, I have noticed that one of the challenges currently facing children's and youth ministries is the lack of a common language for following Jesus, and thus the establishment of a commonly understood faith.  Oftentimes our youth ministries are driven by a hype and happenstance, marketing married to therapeutic or avoidance strategies for common teenage ills.  We speak to youth and children in terms of revolution, in order to stir zeal and build excitement about the faith.  We legitimize this by saying that if we do not do this, then other cultural forces will, and the assumption is that we will then lose.  We then speak to adults with well formulated principles that will help us live "good lives," which commonly reflects middle-class sensibilities, and the epitome of what might be called the American way of life.  In one sector, we want people who will turn the world upside down.  In another, we want people who will settle in as good Christians, be nice, etc.  No wonder the young, who hang with us, feel as though they are aliens when they reach maturity.  Classic bait and switch.

How might this be overcome?  Is it possible to have a consistent, clear, and unified approach to being a disciple of Jesus that can transcend the categories of age?

Some of you reading this will reply that the answer here is undeniably yes.  I'm working on a way to bring this to bear on our ministry.  I'm exploring a way to talk about Kingdom and Christ and the Bible and the whole lot in a way that children and parents can talk to and with one another about their journeys as Christians, finding continuity and dreaming together of what a common vision might be as they live their life together as a small outpost of Kingdom living.  Rather than fostering division and layering our discourse, I'm trying to imagine what it would be like for us to minister to parents and their children together, so that they might have common ground, while all the while recognizing developmental and life stage difficulties that will continue to keep them distinct.

Do you know of anyone who is doing this well?

Follow Up :: Teens and Three Simple Rules

A few weeks ago I posted an update stressing the importance of ministry to teenagers, noting my excitement concerning the opportunity to lead a group of young people through Rueben Job's Three Simple Rules.  This is an update on that venture.  The study wrapped up a couple of weeks ago, and the news is good.

After contacting a few key student leaders at RezWest, we began our three week journey with ten folks I really have enjoyed befriending.  Our objective was simple: pray together, read together, discuss together, and practice together.  Wesley's three simple rules, if you do not know them, are:

• Do no harm.
• Do good.
• Stay in love with God.

Simple.  Ten words.  Memorizable.  Challenging.

Rueben Job's book on the three simple rules is a contemporary treatment, but relies on both the biblical material and the writings of John Wesley.  The application of this material is difficult, yet profound.  And the biggest upside to moving through this material with teenagers is that they were presented with a rule of life, a way of following after Jesus that is clear, concise, historically rooted, communal, and challenging.  

Did I mention that applying these ten words is tough?

If you're looking for some small group material to explore with maturing minds, I'd recommend this book.

Kara Powell @ CT's Out of Ur Blog :: Youth Ministry & "The Age of Segregation"

I have served in youth ministry in the past few years. I've given thought to intergenerational ministry, and have always had a concern that the widespread, accepted approach to youth ministry programming as a "subset" component in the life of the church was undermining our end goal of raising up disciples of Jesus Christ. Students are not exposed to mature Christians, or the wisdom of the generations, and thus lack the resources to imagine for themselves what an exemplary Christian life might look like.  

I wanted my students to be in worship with a full complement of the saints, both young and old. And I wanted my students to have leadership within those worship gatherings. So do most youth ministers. But our approach to separating the generations has, at times, drawn people into segregated fellowships at the cost of a collective gathering where our witness is more robust.

This quote from Kara Powell, executive director of the Fuller Youth Institute at Fuller Theological Seminary, appeared on CT's Out of Ur blog a few days ago, and captures well the development of youth ministry in the last half century and what I can only hope will be the future of youth ministry (bold emphasis mine):

"[The church] realized in the 1940s that we were not offering teens enough focused attention. So what did we do? We started offering them too much. All of a sudden churches had adult pastors and youth pastors, adult worship teams and youth worship teams, adult mission trips and youth mission trips. And there's a place for that. But we've ended up segregating--and I use that word intentionally--our kids from the rest of the church. Now we tend to think that we can outsource the care of our kids to designated experts, the youth and children's workers.... I think the future of youth ministry is intergenerational."

The comments on this thread are interesting.  Check it out.